When the Wall Hits Back

Greetings, fellow wanderers.

Have you ever wanted something, but found you struggle on the journey to get there? That is how I feel about my path toward weight loss and good health.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. In high school I tried weight loss classes, nutritionists, shakes, you name it. And even though my doctor said I only needed to lose no more than about 10 pounds, I felt like he was crazy and I actually needed to lose 50. As time wore on, I was the classic yo-yo dieter, losing and gaining the same pounds over and over. I have been as high as over 300 pounds (not sure the exact weight since I refused to get on a scale) and as low as 170, but my goal weight has always been elusive. (I am 5'9", so 170 was close, though.) I have started countless diets and they work for awhile, but then the allure of a donut or a cookie becomes too great. Or I don't feel like cooking, so I stop and get fast food.

I also another struggle that kind of goes hand in hand with my weight loss struggle - I don't like how I look. This has been another life long struggle. There have been days I think I am looking cute, and then I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and that good feeling changes in an instant. It's not even the extra weight I tend to carry. For me, I am unhappy with the whole package. I know weight doesn't always negate attractiveness because there are stunning plus-sized women out there. I am just not one. Sometimes I think I might reach cute status, put then my low self esteem squashes even that. I sometimes wonder if I keep the extra weight on so I will have something to blame my feelings of worthlessness on.

I have tried the past few years to switch my focus from being skinny (which due to my body type I will never achieve) to being healthy. I even recently became a vegetarian to help that journey along. I know there are certain things I should stay away from due to my body being intolerant (wheat, I am looking at you), but the siren call is too great sometimes. My other Achille's heel is working out. I HATE it. I will find a routine and do it for a bit, then get bored and stop. Sigh.

So, what does this all mean? I have often heard the phrase "hitting the wall". In my case, I have not only hit the wall, but it has hit back and decided to bring friends. I know I need to get my focus and willpower back, but I admit it's been a struggle. But when I started this blog, I did it with the intention of this being an open forum, a place where people could feel safe and not fear they will be judged. I wanted people to know I, too, struggle on this path.

So, fellow wanderers, of you have any tips you would like to share, please feel free to. This is your blog, too.  :-)

-Buffy